I’ve started trying to balance my anapanasati with some metta bhavana for a while. Anapanasati / vipassana has been good but perhaps a bit dry. I thought about concentrating on metta as early as finishing the Goenka retreat last year, however I got a bit scared. I tried it a couple of times but it either put me in a strange mood or something would happen soon afterwards to really stress me out. Anyway, I thought I would bite the bullet after re-reading ‘Beyond Mindfulness in Plain English’. I have to say metta practice is very effective at highlighting the bits of my mind I’d rather not address or look at. It really shows up how I do not wish myself or other people well either.
Most noteworthy, it seems, is that it really strikes at the things that I fear: loss, being cheated, mistreated or somehow abused or attacked by others (generally unknown). So far in my sessions I’ve followed the Gunaratana way of expanding metta starting from myself, then my family, to friends, strangers, hostile people or those I fear, and finally to all living beings without exception, both seen and unseen. When I reach the point of the people I fear (who are all in my head!) it really gets interesting. In some ways it is very healing but it also threatens my ego I think. Mental distraction appears greater than when doing anapansati, although this is probably due to the verbalisation aspect, as well as the gradual expansion of meditation object.
On a couple of occasions, however, it has been very smooth, and the ‘sweet spot’ is easier to notice, even if I know I’m nowhere near it or skirting round it somehow. On one occasion when I hit it fairly well for a sustained amount of time I came out the other end in what I can only describe as a state of grace. I didn’t want to make any sudden movements or speak as I knew it would take-away from the experience, although it faded anyway. While I understand it was conditioned, it was still very pleasant. Yes, yes, age-old ‘don’t measure meditation by nice experiences’…. and I know it’s true, but hey, it’s not all bad when it happens is it?
I think when I initially encountered metta practice I grossly underestimated what it is about. It is actually very thorough and wholly uncompromising, and very challenging…. all good stuff really. It’s interesting how I thought, initially ‘well, of course I want to be happy and well, isn’t that part of the problem?’ But actually, it turns out it’s not that simple, at all, and I don’t wish myself happy in a lot of ways and the ways I normally do would be classed as largely unskillful. More grist for the meditation mill.
Shut up and meditate 
Posted on February 25, 2011
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